The two dead terrorists who tried, and failed to attack the paint mohammed competition in Texas have to be the shittest terrorists ever. I mean of all the states in the US they could have chosen to launch an attack, they chose Texas. A state where even dogs and cats have guns. And I know, because my dad was from San Antonio, and I have spent a large part of my life there. Texans love guns. It seems though, that nobody bothered to tell the Jihad brothers.

One security guard was shot in the leg, but is expected to make a full recovery. Fortunately, they didn’t manage to kill anyone. The brothers dim however, weren’t so fortunate. It turns out that the competition had attracted the fury of the usual far left fuckwits, who were protesting outside. Consequently, the building in which the competition was being held was under the protection of the local constabulary. Shortly after the terrorists started shooting, the police joined in. And they didn’t miss. So now we have two dead terrorists, and possibly the shortest and least destructive terrorist attack ever. Anyone know how many virgins you get for dying in a failed attack?

As I type this, It’s been revealed that one of the dead terrorists went by the name of Elton Simpson. Don’t know what his Islamic name was, Abu Abubu probably.

Nominated by: Quick Draw McGraw

Yes, it’s that day you’ve all been waiting for when you slip off down to the Polling Station to exercise your democratic right in the forlorn belief that any of the cunts on the ballot paper believe a single word of what they been spewing at you for months.

And thanks to our first past the post voting system the only guarantee is that the government that you get will be the one most people didn’t vote for.

I’m voting Looney because it makes no difference where I live because it’s a safe Tory seat. If you stuck a blue rosette on a chimp around here then it would get a 10,000 vote majority. Oh! Hang on! They did…

I’ll vote because if I don’t then I can’t complain at what I get. Don’t want to vote? Then scrawl ‘no suitable candidate’ across the ballot paper and spoil it. Even ‘they’re all cunts’ will do. Then at least you’ve told them what you think instead of sitting at home on your arse and whinging about the system.

And of course, we’ll all sit up all night watching Peter Snow and his fucking swingometer because it’s all so rivettingly exciting. And tomorrow when we see the results, it will be business as usual. Same cunts, different names.

Still, it’s an excuse to stay up late and get pissed, so that’ll have to do…

Nominated by: Dioclese

…and did I mention that the SNP are cunts?