What can one say about the tawdry little tosser? The name is a gift sounding like it’s lifted from a third rate old actor/manager fallen on hard times and playing minor character parts in bad 1950s B movies or a headline from the News of the World circa 1962. Only difference between the Tory sex scandals orf the 60s and today is there are no dodgy prossies and Russian KGB pimps involved. We knew how to rock the establishment in those days.

Come lately to prominence for sexting and emailing snaps orf his decrepit little cock to sad slappers on social sites various. Not really my field but doubtless The Eye can enlighten us. Allegedly at least a dozen photos and more in assorted porno poses. A source told the Sun on Sunday: “He asked her to send an explicit picture back but she refused. The woman had no idea he was married and was horrified when she discovered the truth.”

The victim orf a classic newspaper sting, the horny little cunt was duped into online flirtatious chats and photo exchanges, and sent a graphic snap exposing himself while wearing a pair of paisley pyjamas. After an undercover reporter sent him an explicit picture supposedly of “Sophie”, Newmark then asked for a more explicit picture “Without your hands in the way and legs parted”. He then said: “I’ll send you something in return….”

Caught with his pants down and plastered all over the internet what has a pervie little cunt left to do but to pull a sickie. “I will be beginning residential psychiatric treatment for the next few weeks in the hope that professional help will enable me to salvage my life and my family.”

Mr Brooks Newmark has since resigned his post as Minister for Civil Society, a job that apparantly involved enhancing the exposure orf wimmen in Government circles. Some success surely. He has indicated to the Prime Minister that he will not fight the next erection.

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke