Golf. A stupid cunty “sport” played by stuck up cunts who think they’re better than the rest of us just because they can afford the ludicrously expensive fees charged by their local golf club.

And golf clubs! What a bastion of all-round cuntitude these are! Just look at the ridiculously complex rules dreamt up by idiots over the last dregs in the claret drug whilst sat on antique furniture, while the club’s denizens moan about how the country’s gone to the dogs since the “poorer sort” got the vote. And the most cunty thing about golf clubs is the sheer waste of land they represent; in the midst of a housing crisis only the most out-of-touch Tory cunt (or “Tory”) could think having acres upon acres of land reserved for a few dozen in-bred toffs or wannabe tycoons in their beemers to hit a little white ball around a field with a stick is a good idea, while the country is crying out for more housing. Golf clubs represent little more than a waste of land, land that could be better served as public open spaces, children’s playing fields, new factories and industrial estates, new housing, anything but for a load of cunts to knock a little white ball around with a stick.

And golf the “sport” – what a stupid idea! Only the Scots could have invented such a brainless, dull, stupid, soul-destroying pastime as golf. How people can pay top dollar to watch a load of middle-aged yanks or oirishmen lose their little white ball in the long grass is beyond me. But at least the cunts who play golf are being kept busy; people who play golf are probably from the same gene pool as bankers and politicians, and while they’re playing their stupid little “sport” they aren’t fucking up the world for the rest of us…

I take it all back – we need more golf clubs now!

(That last sentence was sarcasm, you daft cunts.)

Nominated by: Colin Murray’s Brain

12 thoughts on “Golf

  1. Hmm…golf courses. Playground for the pretentious sports person and social club for the self-important climbing-up-the-greasy-pole corporate director.

    These self-important and pretentious golf sporty people only know you use an iron-club to tee-off and a putter-club to knock the ball into the little hole. Unless carrying a “green” map and a sat-nav device they will easily get lost on the golf course, because they otherwise haven’t a clue how to find their way around the greens. Being monies people they have to hire “professional advisers” to tell them how and what to do. Step forward the “Caddie”, local knowledge golf terrain specialists, who are also experts in the usage of correct club-weapons by calculating yardage and the lay of the land.

    These Caddies know a mug that has approached them for hire, and will charge an appropriate triple fee for their services. And of course the mug must provide the club-weapons and buggy transport on wheels if they want to hire the best Caddie.

    • Actually, one tees off with a wood and uses an iron for the fairway, dear boy!

      I took up golf at school to get out of having the crap kicked out of me whilst playing rugby (public school don’tcha know). Worked out quite well.

      Stopped playing 30 odd years ago when I got bored with it. Never have any intention of starting again.

      In case you’re wondering, I played off 6.

      • There are many tried-golfing-its-not-for-me people out there who don’t know that, including yours truly.

        20 years ago I took up the sport when I got lumbered with three unsold used golf clubs from a house clearance sale. Went to the local park with one golf ball, that I had found in my garden shed, and my three newly acquired golf clubs – a putter, 5 iron and a wedged thingie.

        Stopped playing after 30 odd minutes when I too got bored with it. Never played the sport since. It had its good side though – I eventually sold the clubs for £3.

  2. Maroon 5 are easily the worst musical bastards to be found anywhere, at anytime during all of human existence.

    I’d preferably listen to jazz or, and it cunting pains me to say this, Muse!

    I dunno who the lead singer is but his voice is so absurdly cuntish it defies all conceivable logic that any sentient person would go out of their way to pay money to listen to it.

    The first time I heard ‘Pay phone’ (if you haven’t been subjected to it, please, just… just listen in the once so you can stop it a short time into the ‘song’ and remind yourself that you however bad your life is you still have the control to abort such a terrible occurrence) on the cunt filled abyss that is Radio 1 I genuinely believed it to be a joke/comedy song that was released as a piss-take. It’s the worst song I’ve ever heard.

    “I’m at a payphone trying to call home
    All of my change I spent on you
    Where have the times gone? Baby, it’s all wrong
    Where are the plans we made for two?”

    Those are the opening lyrics to the cunt-heap of it.

    Take off your caps and stand in a moments reflection on the death of sanity and taste because, you sweet, pure, innocent cunts, that monstrosity sat astride the top of the sales charts in this fair country for 2 fucking weeks.

    A dirty, yank, cunt-weasel import that should be drowned in the mid-Atlantic. Maroon cunting 5.

    • I have never heard of “Maroon 5” until reading your above critique about them. Further, I am not a follower of current popular music so I had no knowledge that their song “Pay Phone” had reached dizzying music chart success as a top seller for 2 weeks.

      I read your provided lyrics of the Pay Phone song, and have decided that Maroon 5 and their unknown lead singer are little cunts in the making.

      However, those people that listen to pop group music, such as Maroon 5 are of course the made bigger cunts.

    • move like jagger sent me into convulsions and a voice like a fanny fart with a turd wedged in it !

    • Sir Limply, I now know you had a controversial unique advantage, if you tell us you shot “a hole in one” on the 2nd green.

  3. And on another tack good news that the economy is growing by about 0.9% according to the ONS. A healthy chunk orf that is down to drugs and prostitution now worth around £10bill per annum. Can always rely on the Tories to stimulate the economy.

  4. Noel Fielding is a cunt… Not only is this ‘Look at me!’ whopper vastly unfunny. He also looks like a total bellend: with is piss poor Bowie/Jagger/Bolan/Cooper ‘I think I am a 70s rock star’ bullshit.

    And now that blonde hair and Stetson look makes him appear even more of a prize twat…

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